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Fact: The most germ-laden place on your toilet isn't the seat or even the bowl--it's the handle. The solution: Don't flush. Let the next guy worry about it. There are "just the facts"--and then there are just the facts that will frighten the bejeezus out of you.

And thanks to this little gem of a bathroom book, you'll never look at the world the same way again, without, er, dry heaving a little bit. From the sneaky fish that can swim up our genitals to the E. Educational, entertaining, and undeniably horrifying, this book isn't guaranteed to help you, um, go to the bathroom, but it's certain to make your time there more This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

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Certain sections of this book deal with activities and devices that would be in violation of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out or constructed. We do not advocate the breaking of any law. This information is for entertainment purposes only. We recommend that you contact your local law enforcement officials before undertaking any project based upon any information obtained from this book. We are not responsible for, nor do we assume any liability for, damages resulting from the use of any information in this book.

Still, a lot of people made this book happen, and I need to thank them. Especially if I want to get hired again. Those people are:.

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Holly Schmidt and Allan Penn at Hollan Publishing, for giving me the opportunity to write this book, for believing in me, for coddling me and listening to me whine and bitch about how hard it was and convincing me it would be worth the effort in the end. It was. Matt Glazer and Paula Munier at Adams Media, for their guidance and patience, and for giving a first-time author a chance. Kirsten Amman, my researcher, whose task was monumental; yet she did it with vigor and efficiency and glee.

Jenny Bent of The Bent Agency, for her generous and invaluable advice, and Elaine English, my attorney, for reading all the long, wordy documents and knowing exactly which parts were most important. My friends Don and Danna Calder, for legal assistance, medical supervision, patience, and encouragement, and for entertaining my family while I was holed up writing.

Beverly Linzer Jenkins and Adrianne Gershberg, the funniest chicks I know, for their comic genius and inspiration, and all my friends from List of the Day. Amy Miller and Tom Jacobsen for their unconditional friendship and for waiting months for me to answer their e-mails and return their phone calls. My parents, Perry and Jean McNeal, and the rest of my family for their interest in, and support of, my writing.

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But you already knew that; you read it in the paper, hear about it from friends, see it with your own eyes every time you turn on the TV to watch bad singers or dancers subject themselves to abuse from judges with no more talent than the contestants, or see a web video of a teenager shooting a bottle rocket from his ass for amusement, or get plowed from behind in your car by another driver who was texting LMAO to his friends instead of noticing that the light had turned red and you had stopped. Or botflies. Or lightning. Or tsunamis.

Or the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Or Fijian headhunters. Or just normal everyday activities like drinking water, eating an orange, breathing the air, or having sex with a goat. Okay, sure, this is a book of scary facts, and the more you read, the more afraid you are likely to be. But who cares, as long as you feel better? Do you have any idea how hard it is to make jokes about things like a guy getting the wrong testicle removed during surgery?

Okay, bad example. But you get the idea: you should laugh when you read this book. Be warned also that you might be offended by this book when I make fun of someone or something you love. Butts of my jokes include doctors, dentists, Latvians, Texans, kids, pets, Deadheads, mothers-in-law, Death Row inmates, Catholics, Pentecostals, Sammy Hagar, Lyle Lovett, the French, Tennessee, fast-food employees, and numerous other people, places and things.

I also make ample fun of myself, my wife, my fictitious sex life, my home state of Georgia, and other things I hold near and dear. So unbunch your panties and laugh a little. Even you, Sammy Hagar. Far more offensive than my jokes are the ridiculous things that occur in this world on a daily basis, so read these facts and be afraid, be amused, be annoyed, be aghast, be whatever. Sorry, just being honest. Sort of. FACT : Bottled drinking water has been marketed as being cleaner and more pure than ordinary tap water, but, in a recent study, a third of bottled water showed significant chemical or bacterial contamination , including arsenic, nitrates, carcinogenic compounds, and coliform bacteria.

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FACT : While the results of tap water contamination tests are made public, manufacturers of bottled water do not divulge their test results. Chalk it up to the protection of trade secrets.

1,001 Facts That Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader

Every brand of bottled water has its own proprietary blend of pathogens, contaminants, and waste that give the product its uniquely refreshing taste. FACT : According to government and industry estimates, almost 40 percent of bottled water is ordinary tap water, often with no additional treatment. FACT : One pound of peanut butter can contain up to bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs.

Up to That means there could only be — I was almost disgusted there for a second. Food Defect Action Levels, U. Not surprising, since most office coffee tastes like shit. FACT : Vegetarians beware: many low-fat and nonfat yogurts and sweets contain gelatin, which is made from animal tendons, ligaments, and bones.

It must be drowned out by the sound of all those vegetarians patting themselves on the back for being vegetarians. Ernest R. Vieira and Louis J. Ronsivalli, Elementary Food Science, 4th ed. Springer, , Audrey Ensminger, Foods and Nutrition Encyclopedia, 2nd ed. CRC Press, , FACT : Fining is a process used by most wineries to remove particles and impurities from wine.

Typical fining agents include isinglass a collagen from sturgeon bladders , gelatin, and ox blood. Whatever impurities are removed by fining, are they worse than fish urine, animal bones and ox blood? Emile Peynaud, Knowing and Making Wine, trans. Alan Spencer, 2nd ed. Wiley-IEEE, , — Consider it fiber. But if forewarned isforearmed, then the more you know, the safer youll feel,even if it s a false sense of security since you can t do a But who cares, aslong as you feel better?

Youre probably reading this on thecrapper, anyway, and what better place to be scaredshitless? Isnt that the idea, to be shitless? At least youarent befouling a nice pair of pants. Im also keeping youregular. You re welcome. While I m scaring you, though, I also hope to make youlaugh. Theres a joke after every fact, for chrissakes.

Doyou have any idea how hard it is to make jokes aboutthings like a guy getting the wrong testicle removed duringsurgery? Okay, bad example.

But you get the idea: youshould laugh when you read this book. If you don t, eitheryou have no sense of humor or I need a new career. I m tooold to start a new career, so the blame falls squarely onyou. Be warned also that you might be offended by this bookwhen I make fun of someone or something you love. Buttsof my jokes include doctors, dentists, Latvians, Texans,kids, pets, Deadheads, mothers-in-law, Death Rowinmates, Catholics, Pentecostals, Sammy Hagar, LyleLovett, the French, Tennessee, fast-food employees, andnumerous other people, places and things. I also makeample fun of myself, my wife, my fictitious sex life, myhome state of Georgia, and other things I hold near anddear.

So unbunch your panties and laugh a little. Even you,Sammy Hagar.

Far more offensive than my jokes are the ridiculousthings that occur in this world on a daily basis, so readthese facts and be afraid, be amused, be annoyed, beaghast, be whatever. You already bought the book and I Sorry, just beinghonest. Sort of. And remember: front to back, and keep wiping until the TPis clean. Your pal, Cary M c Neal The Ugly Truthabout Foodand Drink Probably the bottom third; that kind ofstuf tends to sink. FACT :An Environmental Working Group studyfound that ten popular brands were riddledwith chemical pollutants and bacteria,some as high as tap water.

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1,001 Facts that Will Scare the S#*t Out of You - CnQzU

Hey, you wantedlow prices. Chalk it up tothe protection of trade secrets. Every brand of bottled water has its ownproprietar blend ofpathogens, contaminants, and waste that give the product yits uniquel ref y reshing taste. They re busy testing bottled water.